Bringing Up Bebe: Maybe I Should Just Live In France?

Tonight I have book club (which gives me a GREAT excuse to see this lady) — and this month we read Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting — and here is my review.

I went into this book with hesitation and preconceived notions about how much I was going to hate the book.

Synopsis:

When American journalist Pamela Druckerman has a baby in Paris, she doesn’t aspire to become a “French parent.” Yet, the French children Druckerman knows sleep through the night at two or three months old. And while her American friends spend their visits resolving spats between their kids, her French friends sip coffee while the kids play.

Motherhood itself is a whole different experience in France. French mothers assume that even good parents aren’t at the constant service of their children and they have an easy, calm authority with their kids that Druckerman can only envy. Of course, French parenting wouldn’t be worth talking about if it produced robotic, joyless children. In fact, French kids are just as boisterous, curious, and creative as Americans. They’re just far better behaved and more in command of themselves.

With a notebook stashed in her diaper bag, Druckerman sets out to learn the secrets to raising a society of good little sleepers, gourmet eaters, and reasonably relaxed parents. She discovers that French parents are extremely strict about some things and strikingly permissive about others. And she realizes that to be a different kind of parent, you don’t just need a different parenting philosophy. You need a very different view of what a child actually is.

And in the end? I actually kind of loved it — or at least the idea of it. And at the same time – I thought, “How is this different from my parenting style” And really…it’s not. Apparently, I’ve been following some French parenting guidelines all along and didn’t even know it.

The concepts are fairly simple. The ideal French mother {but noticeably absent is the French father) expects her children to live within her parameters. They believe in having children learn patience and frustration at an early age. Playing on their own, stimulating themselves, and eating on the French schedule (3 meals, 1 snack a day) are essential. While children are certainly loved, they don’t make their children the center of their world. Children enhance the lives of their parents — not the other way around. Seems like common sense, right?

The French have a large support system in ways that American families don’t. The majority of middle-class French woman work. Daycares and preschools (creches and maternelles) are paid for/subsidized by the government. Judgements about motherhood are few and far between (although, French mothers also didn’t always seem very nice or welcoming). Per the author, women rarely breastfeed or sleep train (though they believe in “the pause” — basically not responding immediately to every noise and cry) — and it doesn’t sound like there is a lot of yelling or time out either. French children just…behave.

They also have a different perspective on how children see the world. While Americans focus on accomplishments, milestones, and education (true), the French focus on their children being alert, awakened, and enlightened. They believe from an early age children understand adults and therefore you should treat them that way. Alternatively, daycares and preschools in France are not curriculum-based. French parents do not believe you can force learning and speed up the learning stages (as someone who has a background in both psychology and education this part of the book intrigued me – and I tend to agree). Learning is developmental – pushing lessons, learning, and tests when there is no interest could definitely have a detrimental effect. Instead, they are based on socialization, which the French find essential to development. Isn’t this pretty much the opposite of what was stated in this crazy post??? Boom. <–that’s my rebuttal

There were a few things I DID disagree with in the book. One was the focus that women have on their post-partum figures. I find it VERY hard to believe that every middle-class French woman strives to have her figure back to “normal” by 4-months post-partum. I also find it very unrealistic. Of course, like most women I know, weight gain and loss was something I thought about it — but it SOOOOO wasn’t my focus. 9 months on, 9 months off is a mantra I hear quite frequently here – and I think that’s more realistic. And to do it to make my man happy??Ha. I’m pretty sure that was the least of my husband’s concerns.

Speaking of husbands — as I previously mentioned, the father is noticeable more absent in a child’s life than that of Americans – or at least in my family. This bothers me. Do French fathers not have a say? Are they not as involved? (it made me feel a little better when I read this response to the book — from a French dad - but then he mentions have father’s have become more like “mother hen’s” and that bothers me too.)

As you can tell, the French parenting techniques intrigue me. Even though I view this book as being largely stereotypical about both American AND French mothers – there are definitely some French strategies that I agree with (not making children the certain of your world and not negotiating with small children). But at the same time, there are some that I am too American to give up ( breastfeeding, snacks, treating children like adults, tracking milestones as accomplishments).

Do I recommend the book? Yes — and I recommend it even if you DON’T have children. It will give you some insight into why and how the French and American cultures differ – and how they are similar. I was honestly surprised the similarities more than the differences!

But really – the ultimate message I got from this book? It doesn’t matter what country you come from - there is no RIGHT way to raise a child. There are always tricks and tips for making child-rearing easier, but honestly? If you give a child love, support, self-esteem, and a love of learning? French or American, you are doing the best you can.