Tonight I have book club (which gives me a GREAT excuse to see this lady) — and this month we read Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting — and here is my review.
I went into this book with hesitation and preconceived notions about how much I was going to hate the book.
Synopsis:
When American journalist Pamela Druckerman has a baby in Paris, she doesn’t aspire to become a “French parent.” Yet, the French children Druckerman knows sleep through the night at two or three months old. And while her American friends spend their visits resolving spats between their kids, her French friends sip coffee while the kids play.
Motherhood itself is a whole different experience in France. French mothers assume that even good parents aren’t at the constant service of their children and they have an easy, calm authority with their kids that Druckerman can only envy. Of course, French parenting wouldn’t be worth talking about if it produced robotic, joyless children. In fact, French kids are just as boisterous, curious, and creative as Americans. They’re just far better behaved and more in command of themselves.
With a notebook stashed in her diaper bag, Druckerman sets out to learn the secrets to raising a society of good little sleepers, gourmet eaters, and reasonably relaxed parents. She discovers that French parents are extremely strict about some things and strikingly permissive about others. And she realizes that to be a different kind of parent, you don’t just need a different parenting philosophy. You need a very different view of what a child actually is.
And in the end? I actually kind of loved it — or at least the idea of it. And at the same time – I thought, “How is this different from my parenting style” And really…it’s not. Apparently, I’ve been following some French parenting guidelines all along and didn’t even know it.
The concepts are fairly simple. The ideal French mother {but noticeably absent is the French father) expects her children to live within her parameters. They believe in having children learn patience and frustration at an early age. Playing on their own, stimulating themselves, and eating on the French schedule (3 meals, 1 snack a day) are essential. While children are certainly loved, they don’t make their children the center of their world. Children enhance the lives of their parents — not the other way around. Seems like common sense, right?
The French have a large support system in ways that American families don’t. The majority of middle-class French woman work. Daycares and preschools (creches and maternelles) are paid for/subsidized by the government. Judgements about motherhood are few and far between (although, French mothers also didn’t always seem very nice or welcoming). Per the author, women rarely breastfeed or sleep train (though they believe in “the pause” — basically not responding immediately to every noise and cry) — and it doesn’t sound like there is a lot of yelling or time out either. French children just…behave.
They also have a different perspective on how children see the world. While Americans focus on accomplishments, milestones, and education (true), the French focus on their children being alert, awakened, and enlightened. They believe from an early age children understand adults and therefore you should treat them that way. Alternatively, daycares and preschools in France are not curriculum-based. French parents do not believe you can force learning and speed up the learning stages (as someone who has a background in both psychology and education this part of the book intrigued me – and I tend to agree). Learning is developmental – pushing lessons, learning, and tests when there is no interest could definitely have a detrimental effect. Instead, they are based on socialization, which the French find essential to development. Isn’t this pretty much the opposite of what was stated in this crazy post??? Boom. <–that’s my rebuttal
There were a few things I DID disagree with in the book. One was the focus that women have on their post-partum figures. I find it VERY hard to believe that every middle-class French woman strives to have her figure back to “normal” by 4-months post-partum. I also find it very unrealistic. Of course, like most women I know, weight gain and loss was something I thought about it — but it SOOOOO wasn’t my focus. 9 months on, 9 months off is a mantra I hear quite frequently here – and I think that’s more realistic. And to do it to make my man happy??Ha. I’m pretty sure that was the least of my husband’s concerns.
Speaking of husbands — as I previously mentioned, the father is noticeable more absent in a child’s life than that of Americans – or at least in my family. This bothers me. Do French fathers not have a say? Are they not as involved? (it made me feel a little better when I read this response to the book — from a French dad – but then he mentions have father’s have become more like “mother hen’s” and that bothers me too.)
As you can tell, the French parenting techniques intrigue me. Even though I view this book as being largely stereotypical about both American AND French mothers – there are definitely some French strategies that I agree with (not making children the certain of your world and not negotiating with small children). But at the same time, there are some that I am too American to give up ( breastfeeding, snacks, treating children like adults, tracking milestones as accomplishments).
Do I recommend the book? Yes — and I recommend it even if you DON’T have children. It will give you some insight into why and how the French and American cultures differ – and how they are similar. I was honestly surprised the similarities more than the differences!
But really – the ultimate message I got from this book? It doesn’t matter what country you come from – there is no RIGHT way to raise a child. There are always tricks and tips for making child-rearing easier, but honestly? If you give a child love, support, self-esteem, and a love of learning? French or American, you are doing the best you can.
I recently read this book and really thought it was interesting. I really liked that French parents don’t “discipline” their children as much as they believe in “educating” them. But I have no kids, so who knows how that would work for me in real life. 🙂
No, I think you are right on there! Kids thrive on rules and guidleines. It wouldn’t work for me either! My kids need boundaries. They aren’t adults and they understand the consequences of their actions half the time!! One complaint I’ve read about French teenagers/young adults is that they lack discipline as they get older. So maybe “education” work when they are really little — but they need a stricter framework as they get older!
I enjoyed that book. I caught no end of crap when I posted about how I liked it when it came out. Like you, I didn’t agree with everything in the book (because we all have our own way to parent) but when I mentioned some of concepts I did agree with I had friends tell me to shut up and move to France! They assumed that by stating that I had differing methods of parenting I was calling them bad parents. {le sigh} No ‘right’ way to parent. We all do the best we can do. Great post.
Interesting that so many people got upset! I know I read your post and definitely did NOT think you were calling anyone bad parents — you were just saying maybe we should be more open-minded about our parenting styles — which I’m guessing is the message they didn’t get!
I haven’t read the book but have read a lot of the author’s interviews. As you said, there are a lot of stereotypes in there, as well as a lot of fantasy —-such as French babies sleeping through the night at two or three months– as far as I know, Dr Ferber (an American) sells quite a few books there too. I was born and raised in France and still go back every year, and I think I would know it if those babies were all magically sleeping… It’s also totally untrue that there is no yelling, there is not only yelling, but also a lot of spanking and slapping. Anyway, I could go on and on.. I think American mothers should not be made to feel like they’re doing everything wrong, there are a lot of things that are done much better here than there and vice versa. I actually wrote a post about this when the book first came out http://sleepymaman.blogspot.com/2012/02/enough-with-bringing-up-bebe-bs.html?m=0
Have fun at book club, I really enjoy your blog!
Ha – yeah, I definitely questioned the whole sleeping through the night thing! I DO find it interesting that both cultures tend to obsess about sleep though. I had two very different babies – the first one STTN at 3-4 months and the 2nd who did not sleep until 13 months. They both sleep great now – but the better sleeper is surprisingly the 2nd one!
You know – I was intrigued about the discpline system because it’s hardly discussed. It’s always hard to get a sense of what is going on inside the home as far as yelling, screaming, and hitting goes. Although, I always feel like I’m screaming my head off in public. LOL.
I definitely agree that American mothers shouldn’t feel like they are doing ANYTHING wrong. I do relate to the French style in some ways – I am not a stay-at-home-mom and there are just some aspects of motherhood that I am not as regimented about because I know the preschool/daycare/afterschool program is helping me, but I can’t say I think it’s for everyone. My mom stayed home with us – and my husband and I are running a VERY household than what I grew up in. Hopefully we still end up with good results!
Just to add on the discipline… Obviously not everybody does the same, but it’s unfortunately not uncommon to see the kids get spanked or slapped in the face in public. Growing up there, I was about the only child I knew whose mother didn’t believe in hitting. This may explain the misbehavior from older kids… Hitting only works for a while…
I read a lot of the press around the book – especially given my experience in France, I thought that I would really like it. I like some of the same aspects you do, but I find the idea that it’s not OK to “get down on the floor and play Legos” kind of silly – I like playing, to be honest, and it’s fun to have an excuse to do it.
Bob and I have an attitude about these sorts of “European” ways of parenting (this book, early potty training, etc) that if we raise our kids like the French they might grow up to be French adults. You know, socialist smokers, cheese-eating surrender monkeys, and all that. LOL. Kidding, but it is a good reminder that there’s probably nothing wrong with the way we’re already doing things.
I was wondering if you had read the book. LOL about your kids growing up to be French adults! I’m sure that would have it pros and cons 🙂 As does every parenting style. I think the key (to everything, as usual) is moderation and boundaries. There has to some of each!
I do hope the author follows up on raising her children when they get older – I’d love to learn how her combination of American, British, and French parenting techniques worked out.
A completely unrelated question — I have peroneal tendonitis and run in a sweet lace up brace like the one you showed awhile back. I’m getting lots of blisters from running in it. How do you wear it (how do you layer it with socks) to avoid this issue? Thanks!
I haven’t had to wear my brace in a while – but when I did wear it I would wear a compression sleeve (or you go with a compression sock) underneath. Otherwise, I was right there with the blisters. UGH!!!
Thanks! I’ll give that a try… I could probably run without the brace but I’m nervous!
I COMPLTELY understand. Have you tried KT Tape? I swear it was a life saver for me (along with my orthotics). It’s like a sports bra for your tendons!
I haven’t, but I just ordered some to give it a try! Thanks for the suggestion! Love your blog. 🙂
Let’s get down to the really important thing on this post – what’s your margarita recipe?!?! I’ve been searching for a great one for a while and haven’t found one that i love yet. Please share!
Duh! Sorry – totally posted my comment to the wrong post. Clearly i could use a good margarita right now, even though it’s only 8:30am my time.
No worries!!
My recipe (which I need post) is actually really simple — just remember 3-2-1-splash:
Ice
3oz of tequila
2oz of freshly squeezed lime juice
1oz of simple syrup (basically you bring to a boil 1 cup of water with 1 1/2 half cups of sugar – and let it cool)
1-2 teaspoons of triple sec/orange liquor
You can add salt (to either the drink or rim) if you like salt. So good and easy!