There was this excellent scene on How I Met Your Mother last night where one of the characters (Lily – played by Alyson Hannigan), a new mother, was confessing that sometimes she just wanted to run away, that she didn’t always want to be a mother — and that she was having a hard time accepting it. And I sat there with tears in my eyes, knowing all too well how that feels. It sounds horrible and it burns me to even consider the thoughts coming from my brain, but here’s the honest truth: Sometimes, I don’t want to be a mother either.
I know. I’m sure you’re thinking, “Dude – you are having a 3rd child ON PURPOSE. What the hell?” But, this has nothing to do with how much I love my kids and how much I love HAVING kids. Words cannot even describe how much love I have for them. I would give my life for theirs in a heartbeat and they make my life so much fuller and more complete than I ever imagined possible. I really believe that children are direct portals to joy and wonder – something that tends to escape as we become adults. And experiencing life through a child’s eyes is like reliving your childhood and actually understanding what it all means. But, that doesn’t mean that a very small part of me doesn’t have feelings of frustration, rage, and disappointment in motherhood. There are definitely moments of insanity, when I think, “Why? Why did I become a mother?”
I am not equipped to be this saintly person with endless patience and kindness. I have many shortfalls and when I get angry, I GET ANGRY. Sometimes, when I hear “Mom… mom… mom… mommy!” a hundred thousand times in a row, I want to lock myself in a closet with a book and a glass of wine and just hope that I can’t be found. Sometimes, when I am being ignored, I want to throw away all of their toys and sometimes I just want to scream back at them when they are having a temper tantrum because they didn’t get to sit on the right side of the cart in the grocery store. Or I brushed their hair in the wrong direction. But that’s probably not a good idea, huh?
I think Saturdays are my hardest days. Dan has to work and I am with two crazy kids who have been smacked down with routine all week and are ready to burst free. I try to plan our day with as much structure as as possible. Dance lessons, sports, a trip to the Y, and lunch at Davis Bakery are pretty standard – but even in that structure things will (and do) go array. Attitudes are given, fights break out, and temper tantrums are frequent. I know it’s mainly a show for me but it’s hard not to get caught up in it. It’s hard not to be relieved when they are quiet and napping. It’s hard not be happy when the day is over.
Of course, bedtime is another source of frustration. Again, there’s a routine. The kids play/watch TV/do homework while I cook dinner, we eat, and then it’s showers, snuggling, and bed. Somewhere between showering and bed manipulation roles in. My kids are good at it too. To outsiders it may seem like they are trying to squeeze in every moment with us, but I know it’s really a ploy to stay up late and avoid going to sleep — because you KNOW they might miss something when they’re sleeping.
But it’s those moments between “Oh.My.God. WHAT the hell am I doing?” and “I don’t want to do this anymore!” that I have my realization. Because you know, there always is one. I realize I WON’T be saying this in 10 years from now. In 10 years, I will be lucky that my kids want to give me a kiss goodnight, let alone snuggle with me while we watch the end of a TV show. They won’t call my name a million and twenty times to show me how cool their toy is or to show me that they put on the play clothes (backwards) all by themselves. Instead, they be yelling “MOM!” in frustration and embarrassment. In 10 years they will be consumed with friends and crushes and what’s “cool.” In 10 years, I won’t be the center of their universe anymore. Maybe this shift will be gradual and maybe I won’t even realize it’s happening – but if you were to take away all of the madness and every single thing I despise about motherhood right now? I would be empty. I would long to hear those little voices, feel those snuggles, and to step on the million toys in my path.
So yes, I don’t want to be mother sometimes, and that’s OK to admit. I think it’s IMPORTANT to admit. Because 99% of the time? It’s EXACTLY what I want to be.
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Amen, girl. Society doesn’t really delve into how difficult the transition to motherhood can be. I appreciate the honesty in this post- most every mom feels that way at times but usually gloss over those moments to paint the perfect picture. And motherhood definitely isn’t perfect!
Katie @ Legally Fit recently posted..Scenes From the Weekend IV- My New Training Plan!
No – definitely not perfect!I feel like a lot of women feel this way, but then go on facebook/twitter/etc and just talk about how lovely and wonderful everything is (myself included)! And maybe it is wonderful and I shouldn’t compare – but it’s hard not to feel like you are doing something wrong.
Yup. You pretty much nailed it.
{And dang, I forgot to watch/record HIMYM last night. Too busy putting my kid to bed then trying to find sanity with a glass of wine and Downton Abby. Sigh.}
Kerry Ann @Vinobaby’s Voice recently posted..Rezoning: An Ode to my Neighborhood & School
Ironic that you missed you for that reason! Hope you are able to catch up (I think it’s online) – it was a good episode!! Although wine and Downton sounds good too.
Thank you for this! As a first-time mom-to-be, I appreciated the honesty.
Jen recently posted..Maternity workout clothes?
I feel like I’m scaring you all over the place lately
Just know that when your baby is born there will be moments where you will think, “what am I doing??” and then hopefully you will realize you are NEVER alone.
Are you inside my head? Seriously. I’ve been having this same conversation nonstop with Katy for the past two days. And we even talked about you and how well-behaved your children are. E. has been an absolute bear and I can’t wait to ship her off to her grandparents this weekend since her school is closed on Monday. So, yes, I COMPLETELY related to Lily’s scene last night too and it’s funny b/c it occurred literally as I was arguing with E. about going to bed. Instead, she was lying in my closet, putting knots in my running shoes and whining that she wasn’t tired and only wanted me, not Daddy, to read to her. She and I need a break from each other b/c I feel my temper growing shorter and my words getting harsher but I just can’t seem to help myself. She’s pushing every single one of my buttons lately and listens to NOTHING i say.
As usual, thanks for saying what I wanted to say but was too lazy to blog about it or put it into thoughtful coherent words, rather than just talking the ear off of my poor new mom friend and terrifying her about her future!
Jackie @ MomJovi recently posted..My 4-Year-Old Is Faster Than Me
This comment seriously made me LOL. I almost had the biggest meltdown in the car today (B was testing me in EVERY way this morning) and I had to talk myself off the ledge. A huge HA! to being well behaved (I do think E is well behaved though). It’s alllll an act. You should have seen them at lunch on Saturday. I was definitely not winning any mother of the year awards that day.
And hee about scaring Katy. It’s good to hear this stuff now — then the expectations of a perfect toddler/preschooler are much, much lower.
Thank you SO much for this — a million times over.
And as an aside, I of course related more to all of the poop talk.
Katy Widrick recently posted..Stuff So Nice I Bought It Twice
Ha! Yes, at your stage I think you would. Poop is a major issue!! Don’t worry though – you have a long time before you REALLY get into the thick of it. It’s all gradual – and even though I might complain, I promise the best is yet to come!
This is such great insight! My husband and I don’t have any kids yet and I keep swinging from dying for a baby to OMG I’m not ready for one! haha! It’s good to know that even moms might feel that way. I’m sure I’ll come back to this post in the future and shed a tear because someone else gets it. Thanks!
I swear I’m not ready for kids and I already have two – so what you are feeling is perfectly normal! I keep thinking that someday I’ll get this down. Still waiting on that day
Good luck and best wishes to you starting up your family!!
Thanks for the encouragement and the reality check! Loving your blog!
I love the honesty! Even as a first timer I often think “oh my gosh what have I done, in 3 months I will have a PERSON to take care of….forever.” I know that I will have days that I LOVE my child dearly but I might not like how he’s acting. There will be days I miss my alone time and the ability to do things without thinking how they’ll affect my son. But with all that I know that the love that I have for him even now before I’ve even met him will outweigh those feelings of panic and exhaustion!
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Yes – it’s a scary thought, right?? Sometimes I think “Wait – how it is possible that I am responsible for these kids?” I will say that I have found ways to find my alone time and I don’t feel like I’ve lost who I REALLY am – but it’s definitely more challenging.
And yes, the love you feel outweighs everything – and that’s what makes parenthood so great.
We watched that too last night! I am starting Lysa TerKeurst’s Unglued study tomorrow night at church and I am so excited because I cannot tell you how many times I come unglued! And I need help! Hopefully Lysa will have some insight I can take away from the study.
Sasha recently posted..Fun Giveaway at Manicure Mommas!
That sounds like a really interesting study! You will have to do a review of it – I’m interested in hearing what you learn!!
Love love love! Exactly what I needed to read tonight <3
I just saw that Wyatt has norovirus — poor little guy
Hope he is feeling better and that you are hanging in there!
Truly something that I needed to read today thank you so much.
I can so relate. That part had me in tears. I’ve been having a rough few days: 3.5 month old with a cold, working but feeling like a failure, and husband that travels a lot for work. It can be overwhelming but when I get a toothless grin or a snuggle its so worth it!
I have SO been there – and dealing with a sick kid is the WORST. Especially when they are that little! I hope you get a chance to go out with some friends or do something sans work/baby related soon. It’s not a cure all, but it does recharge you.
This post spoke to me…I completely know where you are coming from!
The Runner Dad recently posted..Life is Change