As much as I try to cherish a moment, I try not to live in the past. I can’t question every decision I make. I can’t over think and over analyze every bit of my life. But, there’s always little things that pop out at me every day. And I wonder “what if?” Or I think “maybe I shouldn’t have?”
Well, today’s biggest “maybe I shouldn’t have done that” is running. It pains me to say this, especially because I actually felt good running this morning (as brief as my 1.5 mile “run” on the treadmill was), but as the day has progressed I have regretted it more and more. The combination of Braxton Hicks contractions (which are pretty much second nature to me at this point, but are increasingly prevalent today) and round ligament pain is making me think that my running days are (temporarily) over. It seems wrong that I could run this morning, but I have a hard time walking down the hallway to the bathroom this afternoon. That’s not right, is it? I haven’t been wearing a support band – but I wonder how much that will really help. No, I’m thinking that this is the end of the road.
A big part of me is worried. I’m worried that postpartum Michelle won’t want to run again. That I won’t remember the highs and the joys associated with this form of torture I’ve grown to love. I’m worried about rebuilding my base and my endurance. I’m worried that I will get frustrated because I won’t have as much time to run, that I will give in and give up too easily. Basically, I worry too much.
At the same time, I’m feeling ready to stop. I’m not going to lie, running at this stage is hard. It’s hard on my joints. It’s hard feeling like an 80 year old with a hip replacement. It’s hard having to pee every 2 minutes. But it’s also hard not pushing myself. It’s hard to take it easy. I see people running fast and I want to keep up with them.
But how do you breaking up with something you love? How do you say goodbye (even for a short time) to something you’ve been consumed with for 3 years? How do you say – I’ll be back and really mean it? I know, I have all of these race plans, but how do I pick up where I left off? Will I still be a runner? Am I going to have to start over completely? You don’t really think about the progress you’ve made until you have to do it all over again.
It’s also hard to write a running blog when you’re not talking about running. There’s always dreams and goals to consume my posts (and do I have some lofty goals!), and I know I’ve said that this blog is so much more than just about running, but it’s still why I started it in the first place.
I guess what I’m saying is… this is way harder than I thought it would be. You know that feeling when you see someone running and think, “I would give anything to be that person right now!” (even when it’s 95 degrees outside with 120% humidity and you simultaneously think “Why the f*ck is that person running outside??”). That’s how I feel times a million and I never expected it – not about something so temporary. I mean, what’s a few months? Apparently to this runner it’s a lot longer than she expected.
Bear with me. It’s going to be a long 4 (+) months.