Warning: A massive amount of rambling ahead…
Every now and then I think I know what I’m doing as a parent. You kinda get a high from it, actually. Bragging (let’s be honest, that’s what it is) to friends and family members about what your perfect angel has accomplished. How smart they are. How quickly they’ve learned something. How cute and personable they are. I mean, why not? They are exhibiting some of the best qualities YOU’VE given them.
But (and there’s a huge but), most of the time I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing (spoiler: I don’t) and I suck as it. Pretty hard.
It’s funny because, on paper I’m “doing it right” (whatever that means)…. I survived through the newborn days, I breastfed for 2 years (yes, 2), I didn’t let them watch TV until he was 2 (OK, I didn’t let B watch TV – it’s pretty much out the window with the 2nd one), I make sure to give them all of their vaccinations on time, I fed them according to the eating schedule (I still feed them, by the way), I survived sleep training (somewhat successfully) and they were potty trained at a reasonable age. They knew their colors and shapes going into preschool (thank you Primrose). L recognizes all of her letters and can write her name. B knew the fundamentals of reading, writing, and math before going into Kindergarten and is currently reading at a 3rd grade + reading level. Socially, they are pretty well adjusted. They are nice to others and are very empathetic. They make friends easily, are good natured, and they are generally pretty happy. Bonus: they play well together 75% of the time and can play quietly for long periods of time. I call that a win.
So what’s my deal?
As my kids get older I see MY flaws in them. I see my short temper and impatience. I see my stubbornness and inability to ask for help. I see my laziness. Not only is this terrifying to watch, but it’s the most challenging thing in the world to deal with because I feel like, at times, I am fighting with myself. As much as I enjoy a good “lessons learned”, I am having a really hard time wrapping my head around how to deal with these situations that arise. I am flailing like a fish.
At the same time, I think: Am I being too hard on them? I feel like instead of letting my 6-year old be a 6-year old I’m always pushing him and not necessarily in a healthy way. I’m stressing about homework, how he’s reading for 20-minutes a day, having him write in journal once a week (which is seriously like pulling teeth), making sure he gets a “green” in class, AND trying to make sure he eats enough healthy food and gets enough exercise.
Childhood, what childhood?
Sure his homework isn’t hard and he loves to read, but why so much pressure? When I was 6 my biggest concern was how to dress up my Cabbage Patch Doll. I wasn’t reading chapter books or doing simple multiplication and algebra problems. I wasn’t judged on my behavior in class and given a color each day based on my behavior. I WAS SIX. I liked coloring and dolls and playing house/school with my brothers and friends. While I watched plenty of movies and TV shows, I liked playing outside: wandering around in the woods behind my house, playing on the swing set, and chasing my neighbors down the street. I loved playing in the snow in the winter and swimming in the summer. I have wonderful childhood memories full of laughter, fun, and friendships.
I feel like I struggle to give this kind of childhood to my kids. There’s just a rush to get everything done NOW and as soon as possible. People are discouraging having best friends to avoid bullying. Kids aren’t taught the importance of failing (<–this is an excellent post, btw), which is ironic because I feel like all I am doing is failing them.
So…what to do? Well, for starters I need to chill the eff out. I’m not going to be able to change their environment or the rules they have to play. I don’t know WHY we are in such a rush to have them be ahead these days (don’t they all end up hating school at some point??), but there’s really not much I can do about that (and as much as I sound like I’m complaining, I actually really love B’s school AND teacher). The only thing I realize I can change is my behavior and make the hard stuff fun. I need to yell less. I need to find more patience. It’s gotta tucked back there somewhere.
I struggle the most with the behavioral issues. At home there’s so much attitude being flung around you’d think I was living with a pack of teenagers. Did I roll my eyes at my parents when I was 6? Then there’ s school at school — most days when B comes home with a “yellow” it’s because he’s talking. Do we punish that? Or do we make a big deal out of it? I love a good behavioral system (hello, undergrad in psychology) but it seems a bit…extreme? I know it’s a distraction for the teacher, but it’s not harming anyone. By letting it go am I letting him off the hook? There are only so many ways to tell your kid to shut it. We try all of them every morning on the way to school. We’ve tried bribing him reinforcing good behavior by having him earn rewards. Obviously, he likes to talk. Unsurprisingly, L is the same way. We’re not getting out of the woods anytime soon.
Ultimately, I think what I have to do is stop thinking I’m going to be a perfect parent and that I’m going to raise the perfect children. There are things they aren’t good at. There are things they will struggle with. This is also true of myself. I need to realize that as much as my kids need to fail, I need to fail.
So, I’m taking the first step and I’m admitting it here. Most of the time, I am a parenting failure.
And guys? Being a failture is SOOOO much easier said than done. Who knew failing was so hard?
Do you have any advice for surviving the parenting perfection trap? How are you a parenting failure? I would definitely enjoy the company.
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OK, deep breath. I know for a fact that you are most certainly NOT a parenting failure. Your kids know it, too. After all, didn’t you just get done telling me how happy and well adjusted they are? Maybe you think you yell a lot or that you’re putting too much pressure on them, but you know what? They’re kids. Their biggest concern IS that Cabbage Patch doll. You’re doing the parenting. They don’t even know it’s happening. And the other thing? They’re glad you’re doing it. You are doing a great job. Promise.
Read this: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/the-top-10-things-children-really-want-their-parents-to-do-with-them.html I think it will make you feel better
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Deep breaths have been taken!! It has really just been a challenging 3 months (ever since school started up after Christmas) and I think it’s all coming to a head. Plus, I can’t even relax with a bottle of wine!! (ok, so that’s my own doing). I do think I’m failing in some ways – but it doesn’t mean I can’t improve. I think this was just a memo to myself to suck it up (I felt better after I wrote it at least, lol).
This is my thought. You may feel this way but I’m sure your mom felt the same way raising you and your brothers. But that doesn’t mean B and L feel that way. They will grow up and remember the good times playing together, playing baseball, going to dance just like you remember playing in the snow, running down the street, and wanting to dress like a Cabbage Patch.
Everything you’re doing will benefit them in the long run even if you think you’re being a hard ass and think you need to chill. Because you probably don’t, you’re just being hard on yourself.
I know, I know! I’m sure I’m just being dramatic, but damn there is a lot of pressure these days for kids. I feel like I’m really just doing the minimum – which adds to it. I can only fit so much in. You guys are going to have to put me on Xanax when they are in high school.
We’ll put you on Xanax…and then go drinking!! Wait, who said that?
Paula @ Eat: Watch: Run recently posted..That Night I Watched Four Movies
Oh goodness I FEEL you and mine are only 2 and 4!!! Gah. There is so much (self imposed) pressure and jsut doubt on how things are going. The whole seeing qualities in them you don’t like in you thing? That is the worst!
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It really is the worst. Half the time I don’t even realize I’m doing something and then there they are – mimicking you. It’s REALLY bad when it’s in front of other people! I guess they are the true reality check though. There is just nothing like having little ones knock you down a few notches!
Oh yeah, I can be a big failure along with you. Six today is SO different than 6 when we were younger. And the rolling the eyes? Never! She is definitely 6 going on 16 -it scares me! Sometimes I am jealous of her because she gets to be way more hipper than I was at 6 (not that I really know the ins and outs of being hip these days). But I sure wasn’t listening to Top 40 music at age 6.
But I do get sad with how little childhood they seem to have. How quickly they need to learn things. How we were told that our middle school will have 1 hour more a day of real learning (vs art, PE, etc.) because of low test scores.
A lot of my blame on myself is that we don’t get home until 6 pm and they go to bed at 8 – not enough time for dining, homework, bathing AND fun. So the fun gets the short end of the stick. Like most working moms, I wish I could go part-time and be there when they get off the bus. Never did I want to be a SAHM when they actually would be home all day!
And dont get me started on the almost-4-year-old. He is getting such the short end of the stick. I am truely thankful that he can write his name and know his colors and letters and all that (thank you daycare), but he didn’t get to enjoy no where near as much of the toddler stuff that she did. *sigh*
I hate that I HAVE to send them to camp all summer – I try to squeeze in all the summer memories in 1 week in the beginning of the summer and 1 week at the end – where they can be lazy and do nothing but hang outside.
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We are so living parallel lives! (well, until I have this 3rd kid, lol)
I probably could drop down to working 30-hour a week, but my problem is that I would STILL end up working 40 hours and it just wouldn’t be worth it. So many days I think “I should have been a teacher” or “I should have gone into nursing”, but the reality is, that’s not where I am meant to be! I know my kids still have fun (the fact that they never want to leave daycare and extended day is proof! lol) but I wish I was having fun with them. They just grow up so dang fast.
Oh man, is this timely. We JUST had this argument at our house last night. My husband is far and away a better parent than me lately. He’s the one who practices piano with her, is teaching her to read and even plays rambunctiously. I seem to struggle to make things like reading fun while he turned it into a game involving Reese’s. So then I get down on myself and down on him for making me the not fun one who has to do all the not-so-fun stuff — make the dinner, clean up, pack the lunches, make sure all the nap stuff is packed, forms are signed, school projects done, etc. while he gets to play. So last night, I was feeling guilty about my lack of playing, so I played Doc McStuffins with her when she should have been going to bed and screwed us all by delaying bedtime for so long. Then, she was exhausted when I got her up this morning. Vicious cycle. Some days, it just feels there’s no winning.
But you ARE doing an amazing job and I echo what everyone else said. It’s the fun things they’re going to remember. My example of this is our trip to Legoland. Jim and I always refer to what a disaster that day was — it was hot; it was crowded; it took an hour to get our lunch; the lazy river was gross. But when you ask E. about it, it was pretty much the best day ever. We look at things through such different eyes than them. They’re going to be just fine.
And at least you’re not a selfish mom withholding siblings from them. Talk about a parenting failure.
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Dan is by far the more fun parent as well. He’s much more patient and I swear the kids like him more. I think this contributes to my feelings of failure.
Too funny about E’s memory of Legoland. Thank goodness kids can find joy in the small things, right?
And ha about withholding siblings. You could say the same for me – I am selfish and keep GIVING them siblings. B had it made!!
We ALL do this. We ALL feel this. We ALL are doing okay. Wait–considering my hubby works for DCF, I know all parents are not doing okay, but I really don’t think any of that applies to you
. Seriously, we all have crappy parenting days (at least in our minds) and so did our moms, and theirs… It’s okay.
My kid totally has my temper. We rub like matches on occasion–one reason that we both need him to go to school and me to do my thing. I could never be his teacher. Period.
I agree with MomJovi–they remember all the good stuff. Most of the time. (I don’t think my kid will forget I made him get 4 teeth pulled last week, but that’s a story for another day.)
You’re doing great. Those kids are so lucky you’re their mom.
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Thank you!! I know you are a couple of years ahead of me and knowing you sometimes feel like this too is oddly comforting
Poor guy and his teeth – hope that’s the last of the dental surgery for him!!
So…I don’t have any real advice to give you…but the simple fact that you are worried about being a failure as a parent is proof that you are NOT failing. You care about these things & that’s (sadly) more than can be said about a lot of parents out there. Your kids are safe, fed, bathed, clothed, cared for, happy & loving. From this side of things, I’d say you’re doing a fabulous job!
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Thank you for you kind words and so true about the parents that don’t care — and I have to say that they scare me!! I guess I can only do what I can and hope for the best, right?
Gosh, I have been feeling something similar with my daughter. Ugh. It’s honestly so hard to find the perfect balance. Either you feel you are pushing them to hard, or not enough. How do you know when it’s just right? Blah. I feel you.
Sorry…not much advice on my end. But, honestly, you seem to be on the right path! I think one of the best things you can do is evaluate where you think your shortcomings are as a parent, and then learn from it and try to make a change for the better. That’s something that my parents didn’t do for me when I was growing up. That whole “My way or the highway’ thing. You are a smart woman and you are a great mother!
Yes exactly! Finding the balance in your own life is hard enough – now I have to figure out the balance in my kids’ lives!!
I definitely don’t want my kids to think I’m perfect, but I also don’t want them to walk all over me. I guess the best I can do is go with my gut, have faith, and understand that they are still little.
Michelle….so, I read your blog a lot. Like every time you put a post up. I’ve read thru your marathon training, and now your pregnancy and everything in between… i’ve seen your kids cute little faces pop up on the blog quite frequently and your hubby’s smiling face as well (which makes me believe you are doing a good job in the parenting role AND wife role
). But, anyway- I LOVED this post. It’s kind of every mama’s thought process all rolled into a blog post. This parenting gig is hard, we are our own worst critics – but like the very first commenter said, B and L don’t even know you are doing the parenting role – they won’t get it until they are probably parents themselves (scary thought, that means we will be super old)… but anyway, you are doing a good job. They are excelling, and they are HAPPY. No. 1 priority right? I also loved the comment about Legoland. Parents stressed about how crowded and hot it was… but little E had the most amazing day. Kids always see the silver lining in things. If you want to bring some of your best childhood memories into your kids lives, then do it – why not? I do agree tho… the fast pace of everyday life seems to be taking over. The “have to do it all” attitude stinks sometimes. I stress over this stuff and my kids are only 2 and 4 months. Does it ever end?
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Thank you so much for this comment!! I agree with everything you’ve written – especially about kids seeing the silver lining. Maybe I need to think more like a kid??
I don’t think the “have to do it all” mentality ever ends these days — you can only hope that our kids realize that you don’t have to do it all to live a fulfilling life!!
The reason there’s so much pressure on them at school these days? I can answer in four letters. Four stupid, ‘effed up letters. FCAT. And it only gets worse in grades 2 and 3 (especially 3 when they first have to take the test). B is freaking out about it to the point where he gets panic attacks during practice tests. I hate that stupid test and everything it stands for – it doesn’t measure learning or development, only how well you excel taking a test in that format – yet it determines everything from whether or not your child advances a grade to funding and resource allocation for schools.
Needless to say I’m not a fan. I’m going to go sit in the corner now and calm down.
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Yeah – FCAT SUCKS! I know many teachers who hate it too. WHO is for it??? I do think some testing is good and it could be great if they actually took a decent instructional approach to it. Of course I’m just preaching to the choir!
I hope your boys survive – is this their first year?
Yes, first year or the FCAT testing is this year (3rd grade) for them. B2 is set no problem, he’s built for these kind of tests. B1 is the one who is having issues. We literally freaks out to the point where he’ll just randomly answer questions just to be done. When you can get him to calm down and relax, he does fine on the same questions. It’s very frustrating.
And who is the testing for? That’s simple: politicians who can say “look, we’re doing SOMETHING about education.” And I don’t mind testing in schools, even rigorous testing, but when so much is at stake on one single measure it is inevitable that the teachers and schools are going to gear their instruction almost exclusively to two things: what is on the test (so long history, arts, music, etc) and how to take the test.
I’ll stop now.
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Misha, I only wish I was the parent you are! I stayed home with you and your brothers!! I know I was not the perfect mother..and YES, we all have days of thinking we are failures! You are NOT a failing mom. You are pregnant with your 3rd child!! You’re feeling “how am I going to handle this one too”!! I felt the same. But as the years passed, our move to Florida, our move from one home to another, and then our divorce, you, of the three, handled that more easily than your brothers. So, as life changes, you have changed in a beautiful, confident, secure, happy ..did I say beautiful..woman! You have alot going on..and more to come. Its ok to feel that failure, but NO.. you are not a failure. Its just life..B’s growing up and L is following in his footsteps! You will be fine! Yes, your life is constant, no time for just hanging.. even on down days! I agree with the comment “Breathe”. Just remember those “hugs and kisses” each night mean that they love you and wouldn’t want you to be any other way! B’s rolling his eyes, that’s something new and it will pass!! Patience is virtue remember…it will come when they go off to college!! Think happy thoughts, think of the good times, let the negative go!! Everything will be as it should be! You know in your heart you are an “AWESOME” parent!
Thanks
I know I’m just hormonal, but it’s definitely been progressively tougher with B and I wanted to vent. I know things will all work out – as long as they steer them in the right direction. I just have to figure out what that direction is!! Love you!
I think that we all tend to fumble in the parenting department or worry that we will like me. I honestly haven’t had kids yet and I’m terrified that I’ll be bad I won’t do things right. And I agree with Paula, a lot of our parents are the same we were nobody showed them the ” Right way”. You’ve done it once and you’re about to do it again you are going to be a great mommy
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You will not be a bad parent at all! I mean at least at first (ha ha – kidding). It’s crazy how fast the years go by and then suddenly you realize you could be doing it all wrong. I think that’s my BIGGEST fear – but you’re right — nobody shows anyone how to be a “good” parent. We are all just making it up as we go!
It’s hard to say don’t worry but it sounds like you’re doing a great job. As a teacher, I don’t mind a bit of talking at appropriate times. It’s the eye talking or back talk that upsets me but that usually means they get away with it at home too. I teach 6th grade and this year I’ve gotten a respectful class. I also have parents that support me too. It’s tough because B is young and its understandable. I only have a 6 month old so as a parent I’m not sure what I’d do. You’re involved and your kids know they’re loved and supported. That’s all you can do. Parenting isn’t easy but so rewarding.
You’re right – parenting is hard, but definitely rewarding. Especially when you see those beaming faces — trying to make YOU proud!
And kudos to you for teaching 6th grade – that is a tough age!!
I wrote on my parenting issues today too! I think I fail daily when I give into extra TV time to give me a break, let her climb something that might not be safe, etc.
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I just read your post and man – girls are SOOOO freaking sassy and determined!! I hope this all comes in handy when they are 16-21 and just saying no to all of life’s temptations
You are definitely NOT failing by giving yourself a break. You’re letting her learn and you are keeping yourself from doing shots of tequila!!
Great post! And so important. I’ve read articles recently as well about learning to let our children fail, and how this generation is the “helicopter parent” always swooping in to rescue them. It’s extremely hard for me to let my daughter fail – and she’s only 3, so she’s not even really at that stage yet, but on paper, it makes sense.
Yes, this parenting this is tough!!
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It is really soooo hard to let them fail – seeing them hurt or crying is heartbreaking. I have to remind myself — if they don’t learn now – they will at some point. And failure is SO much harder as they get older!
They need better manuals for the parenting stuff. Like “I did XX and my kid lived” instead of “This is how I raised my perfect kid.” Lol.