I can’t believe it, but Evan will hit four months at the end of this week. What? That’s crazy.
I’ll have a four month update sometime in the next week or so, but we have definitely hit a sweet spot. FINALLY. I feel much more emotionally stable, which helps. That said, I still have my moments. For example, the other night I was really, really sad that I didn’t have this huge baby bump anymore…
And then I remember how horribly uncomfortable that baby bump was and how I was SO READY to be done.
Unimpressed on my due date. Hey – remember when I used to do my hair?
And then I was sad that he’s no longer this sweet adorable smushy newborn…
Just focus on how tiny he looks here, now how scary I look.
And I remember how much personality he has now AND how much more he sleeps and how less often he eats.
So yeah… it’s a rollercoaster.
While there four months have been full of frustrations and sleep deprivation – they have also been full of so much love and joy. And, as the title of this posts indicates: surprise. There are just some things I didn’t expect (or apparently remember)…
How much I would be IN LOVE.
Obviously, I love my kids. I would give my life for theirs any second of the day, any day of the week. However, the love you feel for a infant is so much more consuming that the love you feel for your 7-year old. Or your 4-year old.
I’m hypothesizing that it has something to do with the fact that your infant cannot talk back. Call me crazy.
It’s not that I love Evan any differently than my older two. No, I was just as head over heels in love with them. But, over time they start forming opinions and you know there’s that whole “not listening to you” thing. When they are tiny and sweet and snuggly – you are their ENTIRE WORLD and it is amazing. This is exactly WHY I love the baby phase.
How tired I would be.
I remember being tired the previous two times, but this time I’m actually going to bed when the baby goes to bed and I’m STILL pretty effing tired. I chalk this up to being old. The last time I did this I was 31– and the first time I was 28. Man, those years have added up! A HUGE reason why I could never have a 4th is that I don’t think I would be awake for it.
How much my hormones would try to convince me to have more babies.
Speaking of having a 4th… that’s never going to happen. BUT, my hormones have been trying to tell my brain that I should consider it. Thankfully, those hormones are dying down now because no. Just no. I barely have the patience for three and like I said – there’s that whole tired thing. Oh and not to mention that whole finances thing. In case you didn’t know – babies are expensive. And I don’t want to spend ALL of my hard earned money on them. Well, on them just being babies at least.
How easy AND hard it would be for my kids to transition.
B and L looooooove Evan so much. They want to hold him, play with him, and kiss him every chance they get. They love trying to make him smile and laugh. I’m pretty sure they are also feeling the newborn love! However, as the weeks have gone on I have noticed little personality quirks in both of them that I’m now attributing to our newest addition. And I have to say, it’s the hardest freaking thing about transitioning to being a mom of three! I wish I could convince them I still love them the same as before and that, in the grand scheme of things, nothing has changed. I know eventually they will adjust – but it makes me feel a little sad and a lot guilty to see them struggle.
How easy the transition would be, but how hard each day would feel.
By easy transition I mean – the baby is really easy to take care of. If he were my first? I’d probably want 10 more just like him.
I can put him down and 85% of the time he will just play or shove his fist in his mouth and coo. Or, he’ll just look at me like this…
However, almost every day I feel like a champion because I make it through it. These past 2 weeks since school started have been INTENSE. It’s mad dash to leave the house every day (and despite the time I actually get to work, I am typically IN my car by 7:55) and then it’s a mad dash to do pickup before 6. Add more homework than ever and three exhausted kids – and I’m pretty much in bed myself by 9:15 every night. This is new for me. I’m used to being the one who can function on a little bit of sleep and caffeine, but it’s not flying anymore.
How much Evan fits in and how complete my family feels.
Evan really did fit in from the start. When Braeden was born it took a little while to wrap my head around having a baby. When Livie was born it took a while to wrap my head around having a baby who was SO different from Braeden in every way. But when Evan was born it just felt… right. I don’t know, it was weird. I also could imagine myself having another baby after B & L – but this time, I can’t. Evan is meant to be the 5th and final member. We are truly complete. Three is my number.
How sad I would feel that I’m moving on.
I think the hardest part about having your last baby is just that — it’s the last. I mean, duh. I won’t get to be pregnant again. I won’t get to feel the baby moving in my belly again. I won’t get to experience birth again (although, truthfully I’m OK with that), and I won’t get to experience the newborn stage again. At least with my own. My maternity clothes are packed up and ready to be dispersed to pregnant friends and family members. I’ve started packing away newborn and 3 months clothes for good. It’s caused a few tears. I naively thought I would be ready the 3rd time around for the closure, but it’s not happening as easily as I expected. All good things DO come to and end – and it’s OK to grieve them.
How excited I would be about THE FUTURE!
To complicate my sadness, I am also really excited about the things to come! Family vacations, races, home improvements — oh my! Sometimes when you are in baby madness you forget that there is LIFE after having babies. Not that you can’t DO these things when you have small children, but as I’ve learned – they are infinitely easier as the kids get bigger! I am truly excited for the adventures to come. You know, once I get a little more sleep.
What family vacation should be plan first?? I really want to take my kids to Europe when they are older, but I’m thinking Hawaii in a few years. Am I crazy?