Last Firsts

Knowing you are done having babies is a weird life transition. At least, it has been for me. Sometimes I feel all 35.75 of my years, but most of the time I just feel like I’m perpetually 26. It was at 26 where I thought “Eh, I could have kids.”, so it’s strange and bittersweet to think that 10 years later my family is complete and that part of my life is behind me.

It doesn’t help that this past year has flown. At times I actually feel like I am just free falling. Didn’t I JUST have a baby? How is he almost 1?

Just out for a drive.

I also  feel like all of these feelings are amplified because with him I am also experiencing my last firsts.

Evan4days

Can you believe he was once this little?

The first time I held him — also the last time I will hold MY OWN newborn.

The first time I nursed him.

The first time he spit up all over me (ok, I won’t miss that).

The first time he smiled at me (which, to be honest, I don’t actually remember – #newbornhaze).

The first time he peed all over himself (now that, I remember).

The first time he heard his voice.

The first time he laughed.

The first time he sat up on his own.

The first time he slept thru the night (oh wait, that hasn’t happened yet).

And so many more…

He’s now working on some pretty major milestones – pulling up, standing, and possibly crawling and eventually walking — and this whole “last firsts” thing is really hitting home. At times, I feel pretty overwhelmed with over  it. I cried when I realized he had teeth (especially those top teeth!). I tear up when he’s playing with a baby toy that belonged to Braeden. I mean, didn’t Braeden just play with that toy and now he’s almost 8?? And I rush to record him scooting, yet again, because at ANY MOMENT he could just decide to start crawling instead.

Have you seen him scoot? It’s pretty freaking adorable.

I’m a ridiculously nostalgic person to begin with, but this whole “last firsts” thing? It might be taking me a bit over the edge. In fact, I already feel bad for Evan. He will be the last kid in our family to start Kindergarten, graduate from high school,  and move out of the house. Oh, who am I kidding, he’s not moving out of the house. Right?

I admit that I am more patient with him because I know he’s my last. I savor the small things. I don’t rush the big events or hope he hits his milestones sooner. I relish his babyness and soak in the open mouth kisses and sleepy snuggles. I get why the baby is, in fact, always “the baby.” The irony is that most of the time, they grow up the fastest.

Kissing him, without protest, while I can.

I know that there are so many “firsts” that I still have to look forward to, but as we approach the “last first birthday” I can’t help but get wrapped up in the small things. Last night, as I rocked my last baby to sleep I thought about how thankful I was to have any of these firsts… so grateful. It’s so easy to get caught up in the sleep deprivation, the stress, the anxiety, and well, the work. At times, it can really get the best of you. However, in the same breath that I will tell you it’s HARD, harder than you ever expect or imagine, I will tell you that these little people — and all of their firsts– are worth it. Every second.

Maybe if I knew how fast it would go, I might have tried to live in the moment more. Or maybe I did it just right? That’s the thing with parenthood. You never really know how you’re doing… which is what makes those firsts so much sweeter.

Comments

  1. says

    Aww! He is such a little cutie. I haven’t thought what it will be like to be done with the making humans thing. I know after this pregnancy I’ll be done, and it’s making me much more appreciative of the experience. Now I know a bit better what to expect, the stuff I need to really savor and cherish before it’s gone, and the stuff that I know I just need to get through (primarily the whole sleeplessness thing. I’m not a fan). With Squish it was all such a blur of “is this really happening?” that I feel like some of those early days were lost on me. So glad to hear of another “veteran” mom’s perspective about going down this road!
    Emily recently posted..Dirty Kitchen, Clean Eats (kinda) [WIAW #5]

  2. says

    This made me tear up. Since we are only having one child I am experiencing my first firsts and my last firsts all at once. And I can’t believe how quickly it’s all flying by! Evan, of course, continues to be insanely adorable, btw.
    Jen recently posted..Other weekend things

    • says

      It goes by soooooo fast! Didn’t the pregnancy feel like it lasted twice as long?? And thank you! I just want to eat him up every day. I’m sure you feel the same about H!

  3. Yadi says

    This is my first time commenting on your blog but with what you wrote I feel like you have been in my thoughts. I am a mom of 2 and my baby is almost 8 months. We are not sure if we should go for a third but almost every day I say this can’t be the last time I hold my own baby. I am exhausted all the time (ftwm as well as runner) but I LOVE seeing the growth so much. Like you, I don’t want to downplay the future firsts I know we will experience, and I wouldn’t mind sleeping more than 4 hours a stretch at any given time but still..well you know…you wrote it!

    • says

      I felt same way as you did when I had my second! I was prepared for her to be my last, but in my heart I knew I wasn’t “done.” We waited a good 3.5 years before we finally decided we could (maybe?) handle a 3rd. I know for SURE I am done now, but man – I really love the baby stage! And it all goes by TOO fast!!

      I hope we both get some sleep soon!

  4. says

    I get teary eyed putting away Patsy’s outfits that are too small, even though I know they might be used again. They really do grow up SO FAST, it is crazy! I sometimes get so wrapped up in the pumping, errands, and crazy every day life, I forget to enjoy the moments. You’ve definitely got the right idea to not rush things, as I’m learning as a FTM. I cannot believe E is almost a year old! Holy crap!
    Kelly @ Running Kellometers recently posted..How to Get Out of the Winter Workout Slump

  5. Meg M says

    And now I’m crying happy sappy bittersweet nostalgic tears. Love this blog so much, thank you for the great reminder to always look for the forest through the trees. Sometimes, between the stress and anxiety and work of it all, it’s hard to see, but there is nothing more worth it than these sweet babies.

    Wahhhh I can’t believe our babies are turning one!

  6. says

    I cried like a baby reading this. Izzy is turning 4 this month and I thought she would be my last and then one night last month the hubs opened up a can of worms and said he may want another. I’ve never felt like I was done but he always said he was. They grow up so very fast, my oldest is 10, all I can think in my mind is he will be wanting to drive a car in 5yrs, how the hell did that happen.
    Adriana recently posted..Go! St. Louis Half Marathon Weekend Part 1

  7. says

    This was such a sweet post. And to answer, yes I have NO idea what I’m doing. Am I even parenting Nia properly? Did she learn anything from me today even? I think I’m in the stressed mindset right now. Tyler is gone away for the weekend and I just want/NEED a break. I haven’t had a full day away from Nia (ugh, she’s almost 17 months) to do something I WANT to do (because spending a day at school is hardly relaxing), and I’m dying. Sorry for the rant.

    I hope you’re relishing in all the last firsts glory. I’m not sure how I feel; as of right now, I totally could see Nia being my last firsts, but who knows in a few years time how I’ll feel. I just know that I’m fine with at least a 3 year age gap or more if we do decide to have another kid. I need my sanity restored somewhat first lol (does that count as a last first? haha)
    char eats greens recently posted..thursday things: first words, shopping, and running

  8. Stephanie Vanos says

    I hear you Michelle! My third is my last and she will always be my baby (and she knows it!) I feel like when she was 12-24 months it was very hard for me to truly accept we were done but now that she is coming up on 2 1/2 I am getting a glimpse of how awesome it will be to have 3 kid kids and it will be so nice to truly focus on them without the constant needs and sleep deprivation that comes along with a newborn/infant. I actually gave away our crib last week. Acceptance feels pretty good (at least it does today)!

    • says

      You gave away the crib! Ahhh! That makes me so sad. I can’t even handle that right now. Lol. I feel like it was just yesterday that I met you – and you were pregnant with #3. Times just flies.

      I am definitely looking forward to actually having three little (mostly) independent people — and spending less on daycare/more on family vacations/staycations.

  9. says

    So sweet. Like one of your other commenters, I’ve known for some time that E would be my only one, so the first firsts are always bittersweetly the last firsts. In a way, it’s really helped me savor those moments, although who am I kidding? I’m a savorer so I probably would if I had 10. Those sands of time are vicious aren’t they?

  10. says

    We are still undecided about whether or not we want another, so I think I’ve taken some of the “sting” out of the fact that all of AJs firsts might be the “lasts” for me. I think it’s allowed me to love every moment but not get emotional about it being the “last first crawl” because I really don’t know if it’s going to be the last. There are days where I am confident AJ is the one and only. But then other days I am not so sure. Truth be told though, I definitely lean towards “one and done” more often than not. I think if I *knew* that was my final position though, I would be an emotional wreck with every little “last first” that happens.
    Theresa recently posted..Twenty

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