When I first found out I was pregnant with Braeden many moons ago (umm… almost 10 years ago!), I was scared to death. And I was so, so, so focused on ME and how my life was going to change, what I was going to do with a baby, how I would be a better parents than so many of those “bad” parents out there. You know, the ones who suck.
HA.
Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Did I mention HA?
In the past 9 years I have discovered they write a million and twenty baby books BECAUSE THAT IS THE EASY PART. You can write for days about typical baby behavior. You can solve sleep issues with a little patience, a lot of white noise, and little crying (both you and the baby). Keeping a baby alive? Just read about it in a book and follow the directions. You can do it! As long as you feed, change, and hold that baby — you are the BEST parent in the world. Ahhhh… sweet bliss. I’m still enjoying it with Evan. Kinda.
You know what’s really kicking my ass? Everything past age 5 – especially with my oldest.
Yeah – it’s that’s time of year when testing is over, the teacher’s patience is gone ,and the kids are acting a little wilder than usual. However, third grade has been particularly difficult and we are finally going to see a specialist about B’s behavior next month (who knows if it will help, but at least someone can listen to us). Thanks to his amazing teacher this year, we’ve actually been able to pinpoint his issues (opposed to just hearing “Braeden’s behavior is horrible.”) He’s constantly in his own little world at school — drawing or ripping up pieces of paper or playing with erasers. Nothing motivates him. He couldn’t care less if he has to sit out of recess (hey – at least he has it this year!) or move his “clip” down in class (in fact, I think he actually like the attention — PS behavior charts are the devil when your kid doesn’t care about them). He’s passing (and I’m sure he did fine on his FSA tests), but his grades are mediocre at best and there’s really not an excuses. This kid — he is SMART. Smart enough to be an A student. He just doesn’t want to do the work or care about it at all. AND I CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT MAKES HIM TICK.
Truthfully, this is a side of him that we rarely see. To me, he’s a great kid. He’s sweet, he’s fascinated by learning, and he’s FUNNY (he loves making people laugh). At home he does his homework with little issue, he loves reading, and he loves playing outside with friends. Although he doesn’t always admit it – he loves spending time with his brother and sister. We limit the electronics/technology. He doesn’t have a phone or an iPod. We don’t watch much TV during the week, and we encourage both play amongst siblings and alone time.
SO… WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Why isn’t there a book on THIS? Or at least one that tells me EXACTLY what I need to do.
In addition, I’m raising a little lady who LIVES for telling me how good she is being when he brother is in trouble (a lot). I have to admit, she’s really good. She does well in school and rarely gets in trouble (and when she does it’s mostly for talking). She’s also sassy, headstrong, charming, dramatic, and she scares the hell out of me. And she’s ONLY 6. I’m happy I’m raising such a dynamic little lady who is so the opposite that I ever was (I was definitely a lot more like Braden), but I have a feeling I’m in for it.
And then there’s E. Oh man, I am smitten by him. He is forever my baby and truly still a baby (for another 6 months — GIVE THOSE MONTHS TO ME), but how spoiled is he going to be? I rarely say no.
So yeah, I really DO love being a parent. Their happiness is the world to me and there is nothing better than making them laugh or smile — except maybe a hug, a kiss, and an “I love you.” But, there are so many things I didn’t expect to suck at — and I’m sure this is just the beginning.
Good thing they’re cute.
Yay parenting!
What do you struggle with as a parent? No struggle is too small. In fact, it’s the small stuff that frustrates me the most.
You just described 2 kids in my 3rd grade class (and I know I don’t have B). Did he get the gifted screening OCPS gives in 2nd grade? I know for my one who tears up papers and erasers he needs to have something to fiddle with. There are lots of great things, or it could be his learning style. Some kids just don’t care, I don’t use a clip chart because of this (plus they annoy me as a teacher).
Are they both boys? He was tested last year but fell into the average range. Who knows if he even read the directions/questions correctly though — he also tends to “rush” through his work (although he’s gotten better this year). His teacher this year has tried a lot of different techniques to get him interested/focused which has been so awesome, but I know it’s also incredibly frustrating for her because nothing seems to work. Only a few more weeks of school!
Yes they are boys! I am glad he has a teacher who is trying different things, I know so many who don’t. I use a exercise ball in my room for some of my kids as well, and some have bouncy bands for their feet. It helps keep them active, I don’t know if either would help him.
I might try to the bouncy band for his feet – although he seems to like to keep his hands busy more than anything. I think his teacher did talk about trying out the ball. She’s so great! I did not have the same experience with his teacher last year.
They make all kinds of fidget things for pencils and even rings. Search for fidget tools and you may find some different things to try for him. Every kid is different!
I used to think that older kids were so easy compared to babies…and so far I’ve been right. 🙂 Maybe I just didn’t like the baby stage as much as I thought? Anyway, I’m a big fan of outsourcing learning issues. It sounds like your son may just need some guidance on figuring out his own learning style. You can go with a tutor or maybe he’d even qualify for some OT (which covers school stuff for kids). They would help figure out what he needs to stay focused and well behaved in the classroom and you would be able to then help the teacher understand how to keep him on track. It’s not a 100% solution of course, but sometimes it’s easier for someone who isn’t the parent to look at the situation objectively.
If you want to go OT, start with the pediatrician. Tell them about the behavior issues and paper shredding instead of paying attention and chances are that you’ll get a script for some testing and OT. They could work with him over the summer and by the time 4th grade starts, he may be in a better place to succeed in the classroom.
Also, your children are adorable. I love seeing their pics 🙂
We did take it to the pediatrician more than a year ago – and for a year it just kept getting brushed under the rug. We finally convinced them that we should do an ADHD evaluation (aka a opinion-based survey) and guess what? He tested positive at school, but negative at home (Dan and I both filled it out and did not share our results with each other, so we are both really biased, or he’s truly a different kid at school). In order to move ahead with additional testing one of us needed to have a positive evaluation (have I mentioned how subjective it is?). I asked if we could forged one of the surveys and the Dr’s office didn’t think that was very funny. I ended up pushing the Dr for reference to a specialist and we are going to see a Developmental-Behavioral Pediatrician in a month. I hope it’s a step in the right direction because I am ALL about outsourcing learning issues!
And thank you 🙂
The issues you’re having with your Braeden sound an awful lot like mine. He’s been seeing a neurologist for some other things that are going on and at our last appointment, he referred us to another doctor (I’m not sure exactly what it’s called..) to have him evaluated for ADHD or a possible learning disability. He said he knows it sounds crazy because he is SO SMART, but that a lot of times with smarter kids, the issues don’t start to show up at school until 3rd/4th grade because the curriculum is so easy for them. I need to call and set up the appointment for the evaluation.
Hang in there mama, we’ll get through this!! (Um, and drink lots of wine in the process!)
It is definitely worth getting him tested! At the very least he will receive accommodations if something do come out of it.
I (personally) think a huge part of the issue we are having these days (especially with boys) is due to maturity and expectations. B is doing stuff in 3rd grade that I didn’t learn until 6th grade! And for what purpose?? The kids needs to be reminded 18 times to turn in his homework — but he knows how to add, subtract, multiply, and divide fractions. You know what’s more important for an 8 year old? Not the fractions!
We will get through this!
I used to be a psychotherapist working with kids. What you are experiencing is VERY common. B would be considered the “Identified Patient” or in the family structure “problem child” L is the “star or golden child”. Google these terms with “family structure” and you should find a bunch of stuff. But the kids are so young that there is such a fantastic prognosis! You and Dan would HIGHLY benefit from talking to a family therapist about things you can do to remedy the issues in the structure. Basically B’s acting out serves very well as a distraction to a different problem in the family structure that no one is noticing (cause everyone is so concerned about him and trying to help him). So the elephant is getting the roam of the room with no one even seeing he’s there. B may also be a high needs kid and requires A LOT of attention. My oldest is that way. We say he has a “love cup” and when he feels it getting low he tells us and we spend extra 1:1 time with him. But I’d bet B needs a lot more just casual 1:1 attention. Take a walk after dinner and talk about anything but his behavior. Right now B is getting the attention he needs but in all the wrong ways. Adults work so hard to fit kids into their life that we forget we need to fit ourselves into our kids’ lives.
We should and will definitely look into this, thanks! We do try to minimize the school issues at home — it’s hard to reinforce behavior at this age when not immediate, but there’s no doubt he still gets a good deal of our (negative) attention.
My Braden is somewhat the opposite of your Braeden. He’s the perfect child at school, but at home he is erratic and has frequent meltdowns over the smallest random things. his teacher said she’s never seen even a hint of that behavior from him and I think that is so weird. It actually worries me that he can be two totally different kids. I’m currently trying to figure out why he has souch trouble controlling himself at home. Is he not getting enough attention? Am I over compensating and spoiling him? I’m clueless. I just hope I don’t screw up and turn him into a serial killer.
Livie is my dramatic one and up until recently, she use to just melt down to the point where there was no reasoning with her whatsoever once something set her off. She’s gotten a lot better about it recently and I think it’s more about maturity than anything for her. Maybe your Braden just feels safe at home? I hope he outgrows it because it most definitely tiresome! And you are not screwing him up any more than any of our parents screwed us up 🙂
As I’ve said before, your kids are GREAT, so you must be doing something right! Are you friends with my mom on FB? She was a special ed teacher for over 30 years and in a regular ed classroom for the last 5. I bet she’d have some ideas for you or could at least tell you what to ask, etc. Hit her up! She’d love to hear from you!!
I’ve only been teaching for 10 years but I’ve had students like your son. It’s tough and sometimes they need to be challenged or some sort of special activity “research” they can work on when they complete their work. I’ve done this with a few students and it’s helped. They pick a topic or area they’re interested in and then put together a PowerPoint or prezi to share with the class. It’s been a great motivator for some because they’ve gotten to use the class laptops and “teach” the class more about a topic we are covering. Definitely try to focus on his positive behaviors. I have to stop myself sometimes with students when I realize their getting negative attention and it increases the bad behavior. He’s lucky to have such loving parents.
His teachers like to give him extra work — BUT I think a project that involves research would be right up his alley. The extra work just isn’t that interesting. And don’t knock your 10 years of teaching! His current teacher has only been teaching for a few years and I feel like she’s the best teacher he’s had. Some people are meant to be teachers (however – if you get burned out from teaching – let me know, I have a career for you!)
I’m no help to you, sorry. My issue is getting my oldest (first grade) to stay on task. Five year old sis can take an order and get ish done. Six year old is reading, daydreaming, in her own world, etc. sweet, sure, but it makes me want to scream! Also, sometimes there is just so much noise and talking between the three of them that I can’t think straight. My introverted little brain must be sensitive to noise or something.
Carry on with real advice from professionals…
Braeden is a lot like that at times too (as was I!). He is in his happy place with a book (or the iPad, but we limit that). It makes my heart break a little when I ask why he got in trouble in school and he tells me it’s because he was reading and he was supposed to be paying attention to the teacher. People that know him outside the classroom are surprised by his behavior because he’s not hyperactive or at least not to the extreme. Sure he has a lot of energy, but don’t most kids, especially boys? I’ll let you know what we hear from the Dr. next month. I’ve been told it might be Inattentive ADHD, which is harder to diagnose. Yay parenting!
(Oh and THE NOISE – it’s so intense!)