Happy Friday!! I am SOOOOO ready for the weekend. I have ZERO plans, except for maybe a visit to Margarita’s Grill with Tracy 🙂

March 18th was L’s due date so two year ago around this time I looked like this…

And man, did I have people asking me the BEST QUESTIONS! {note sarcasm}

My good friend and cubemate Jackie is currently 37 weeks pregnant and has recently been fielding these same questions. It brings me back to place where you want to punch people and do some sumo style wrestling on people and their dumb questions/comments (with my belly, of course).

I know a gazillion people have had babies before and after me, but I think we can agree on one thing. The last month is TOUGH. Yes, it’s preparing you for the baby (sorry to break it to you — it has to come out) but man, is it a huge slap in the face. Nothing fits, the baby has huge growth spurts that nobody warns you about, and you just want to wear a big sign that says “Yes, I’m still pregnant now leave me alone” and that’s just the physical part. There’s also the mental part that starts with “Am I going in labor now?” “How ’bout now?”, then leads to googling things like “how much pineapple and sex will put me into labor” and ends with fizzled out contractions and zero sleep. There’s other stuff going on too that is just TMI — but if you’ve had a baby, you know what I’m talkin’ about.

I think think the worst part is the questions from others. And you know what? When I’m not pregnant, I’m guilty of asking some of these myself — but when you are 40 weeks pregnant (or relatively close) you just don’t want to hear it.

So today’s 5 for Friday is the Top 5 things you DON’T want to hear when you are about to pop out a baby…

1. How are you feeling? The answer I’m gonna give you is “Great” or “Good.” The answer I want to give you is about 40 minutes long and involves expletives. I KNOW you’re asking to be polite, but I’d rather you just smile and nod. We all know this pregnancy thing is happening — no need to fein interest.

2. When is your last day of work? This response depends on the career/job — but my job involves sitting at the computer for 8-9 hours a day. Not exactly strenuous. I’ve also never worked anywhere that offered millions of hours of maternity leave – so unless you are paying for my time off, I’m going to be working. Sitting at home with nothing to do? Not appealing when you think about inducing labor 24/7. At least working gives you a focus/purpose. Could I go into labor at work? Yes. Could I have a baby at work? Probably not. Labor is not instant. Yes, I know at people who have had very, very quick labors and I am green with envy. The majority of the population though? Labor is slow. It’s called labor for a reason.

3. Are you ready? Do you have a plan? Here’s the thing – you’re simultaneously 100% ready and never ever ready. The stuff is bought, the clothes are organized, the gear is put together. The baby? Is a person and not a robot. You can’t plan for him/her and you are NEVER PREPARED and the plans you make? They are always tenative. Even the birth.

4. Are you sure it’s a girl (or boy)? Peoples… When I am 40 weeks pregnant, I do not NOT want you to doubt the gender the u/s tech told me 4 and half months ago. Just go with it. I had SOOOOO many people tell me that L was going to be a boy. They were sure of it. I should have had them place bets. I would be rich. Good thing that during our 20 week u/s she wouldn’t close her legs. There was NO DOUBT she was a girl (and yes, I know I am in trouble). If you have the urge to ask someone if they are sure (and they know) then just SHUT YOUR MOUTH. We don’t want to hear it. Even though we know — it still plants a tiny seed of doubt in our mind, which leads to nights of insomnia. So, thanks for that.

5. You look like you’re about to pop – OK, not a question, but FOR REALZ?? You are going to tell someone who has been carrying a living being in her uterus, swishing every single organ in her body for roughly 40 weeks that she looks like a balloon that about to pop? What the hell is wrong with you? Tell her she looks amazing. She feels fat, big, round, puffy and she can’t see anything past her boobs (not even her feet). You should be happy that she is wearing clothes and is pretending to smile at you. If there is such a thing as “old man strength”, I’m pretty sure there is such a thing as pregnancy strength so you better start running dude, or you’re gonna get your ass kicked.

My honorable mention goes to the question “No baby?” which frequently occurred via IM (at work) when I would log on. I was generally nice, but was tempted several times to say — “Oh no, the baby is here, I just decided to log in and do some work.” Use your brain!

Bottom line – pregnant women are not dumb, nor have we lost any brain cells — but apparently it makes others dumb. Get with the program and please for the LOVE do not touch our bellies.

What’s your favorite question to ask pregnant women? If you’ve been pregnant/are pregnant what the rudest question someone asked you?

Happy weekend 🙂