Crazy Running Legs

Living life in moderation...one run at a time

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My Thoughts Full of Grief and Rage

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I don’t think I can say anything that hasn’t already been said about Friday’s events. But I can’t stop myself from writing about it. I’m pretty sure The Onion summed up my feelings – and those of millions of others – in this post. F*ck everything, indeed.

I was in the middle of meeting, on Friday, when I got an alert on my phone about what had happened and it took everything I had to not start bawling. I just kept thinking – WHY?

I have been extra emotional this weekend. Every time I see something about Sandy Hook my eyes immediately well with tears. And then yesterday when they released the names and ages of the victims I just lost it. Not that it didn’t already hit home, but it was a different kind of reality. All 20 children in the 1st grade. That could have been my child.

SandyHookKids

A first grader is full of love, trust, and the eagerness to learn. They pay you in hugs and think of the world of anyone whose shadow they can walk in. The imitate, not to jest, but as flattery. They ask for nothing more than a little attention and an approving look, and they want to know how they can be just like you. They think hot chocolate is the best thing ever and live for the day they can talk to Santa or their grandparents. Really, they aren’t picky.

Even if they didn’t feel an ounce of pain before they died (and I pray they did not) – this monster violated their lives. He took their trust and love and admiration – and that just makes me incredibly, incredibly sad and angry.

And like many others, now I grieve. I grieve for the children (and adults) lost, for a town of destroyed innocence, and for a school that has to rebuild. I grieve for the children who lost their friends and a community that gained an unwanted identity. But most of all, I grieve for the families. Especially for the mothers –  many of whom were pregnant at the same time as me, 7 years ago.  At least 6 of those 20 children were born within weeks of Braeden (some within days) and I can’t help but put myself in their shoes – even though my sadness, rage, and overwhelming grief is NOTHING compared to theirs.

I want to tell them it will be okay, that there is a reason for such madness and horror, that they will still carry the memories of their children with them — but honestly? At a time like this? It’s bullshit. It’s not OK. There is no reason. And yes, there are always memories, but there should have been more.

There is really no point to this post other than to say I can only hope that we CAN carry on the memories of these 26 people and we can find ways from preventing it from ever happening again.  Focusing on stricter gun laws and increasing our support and knowledge of mental health is just the beginning. As I read somewhere else earlier — this HAS to be our tipping point. For now though, I will say many, many, many prayers and offer whatever help I can provide. We can’t undo the past, but damn if we can’t help our future…

What Makes You a Runner?

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I’ve been thinking about running a lot lately. As the summer goes by, I have run less and less. Have you notice? I know I can still run 5 miles and probably 8, but any more than that? That’s questionable. I CAN run shorter distances faster. I can also tolerate the treadmill, but  I used to average 20 miles a week – easy. These days, I am lucky to get in 10.

I have been taking an unofficial break from running since my last half marathon in March. For a few months I kept up my long runs, but I guess over time (and a new schedule) long runs have been phased out. Lots of spin workouts, strength training, and short runs on the treadmill have replaced my slower, outdoor run therapy sessions.

Does this mean I am still a runner?

I want to think yes. I mean, after all, my blog title is STILL Crazy RUNNING Legs. And I still love running more than ANY other form of exercise in the world. In my heart, I know I have another marathon in me – maybe more. Hopefully next year – if not in the not terribly distant future.

I can’t imagine NOT calling myself a runner. Despite getting addicted to running later than most, I can’t help think it’s become a part of my identity. A few months ago, at a dinner party, I was introduced as a “a marathoner!” which, for a minute, took me by surprise, but then I realized that a) yes, yes it’s true and b) wow – this is how (some) people see me! As someone who was relatively undefinable in my earlier years of life (I don’t think “chubby girl with frizzy hair and crazy legs” counts), it was kind of a moment for me.

But at the same time, as I drift further and further away from running, I can’t help but think I’m drifting further and further away from being that person. I don’t WANT to be that person who just ran one marathon and “gave up”, but to be honest I FEAR becoming that person.

What if the drive to race again never comes back? What if running “decides” it doesn’t want me back? When do I cross the line and become someone who is no longer a runner? There are a lot of what ifs, there are a lot of things I questions about myself, there are things that I worry about, that take up space in my head for no good reason. And I then, I read this (the font is really tiny, but it’s worth squinting for!)…

 

and I remember why I run and why running will FOREVER be important to me.

Yep, I’m still a runner.

Weigh In: To Post or Not to Post?

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I need some ethical guidance here…

I’ve been taking this bootcamp class at my gym for the past few weeks and it has been seriously, SERIOUSLY kicking my ass. I would love to post these workouts because they are simple and you can do at home with a few weights or even just using your bodyweight. My ass has never been so kicked in my life.

Half the time I post things here it’s to remind myself what I did and because I think something is worthy of sharing (and hopefully motivating/inspiring) others.

So here’s my question: If I post it — is is stealing? In no way will I claim that it’s my workout, but a part of me feels like it’s like posting someone else’s work. I worry that she would somehow come across my blog and see that I’m posting workouts that SHE created (even if I credit her).

I see a lot of workouts on Pinterest and I wonder — did these people make up these workouts or did they take a class and just take notes? Does is matter? Why do I care so much?

A huge part of me wants to share, but another part thinks about how my mom caught me plagiarizing for a report in the 3rd or 4th grade (don’t worry – I rewrote the report!). It seems so harmless at the time, but the ramifications can be huge.

So, what’s your stance? To post or not to post? WWYD?

It’s Not About the Miles…

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I went to bed waaaaay too late last night (and I have no idea why), but I still forced myself to get out of bed this morning. Actually, I talked myself into sleeping in and then remember that it’s not a option and gave myself a swift kick in ass to get out of bed. It worked. Why are morning so hard? *whine*

My run however – was great! Despite what I originally entered into Daily Mile…

DailyMile

Ha ha.

Stupid phone and fat fingers!!

The run:

  • Mile 1 – 9:34
  • Mile 2 – 9:14
  • Mile 3 – 9:05 (oops a little too fast)
  • Mile 4 – 9:12
  • Mile 5 – 9:02 (holy crap – where did that come from?)
  • Mile 6 – 9:02 (really?)

6 Miles 55:15/9:12 pace

I know, it’s not super sonic speed, but it’s the fastest I’ve ran outside by myself since the humidity hit. It made me happy!

On a training note, I’ve been thinking a lot about training lately and how things are going. I’m LOVING only focus on 3 intense runs a week. I don’t know that it will result in the fastest time for me, but I know I WILL finish the marathon and I’ll give it all I’ve got.

Talking to my pace leader this week gave me a sense of clarity about the whole thing, actually. Just one simple sentence — and it just clicked “It’s not about the about miles” he said, “it’s about the dedication, the motivation, and about smart training.” It’s about pushing myself to give all I’ve got WHEN I CAN. It’s not about running to get miles in. It’s about LIVING in the moment and enjoying the run. If you aren’t enjoying it. If it’s something you dread or something you stress out about you’re not getting it. I have to say – I finally get it. It’s NOT about the miles, indeed. It’s about the run.

runner

I couldn’t have said it better.

What motivates you? Even if you aren’t a runner — where does your drive come from?